Ams,

Even when you wanted to talk to me, it would have become an invitation for me to try to get us back together. So talking was a kind of impossibility for you, a paradox. I see that now.

Whenever you wanted, even subconsciously, to talk or to resolve, that wanting pulled in the opposite direction to the separation. You had to fight it, and keep saying no on top of it. It must have been hard. I only realised this recently, when I understood why I went down such a rabbit hole.

Without realising it, I was trying to find the version of you I knew for so long. It took me two years. Not because I was in denial, but bencause the lack of something that was always there had become the most important thing to understand, and the absence of that same thing had become the most important thing to ignore.

The version of you I couldn't find may not be gone by choice. Sometimes the body changes how we feel and think, and no one notices. A full check-up, body and brain both, is worth it. For both me and you.

Issey ignore karke aur analyse karke, we are making it more important than our wellbeing. Bas itni si baat hai. Main thik se bol nahi paaya aur tum samajh nahi paayi. And that was not our shortcoming. It was the unlearning of patterns learned over so many years.

So let me take the paradox away. Replying to this doesn't mean anything more than replying. I'm not asking you to come back, and I won't read a reply as a yes to anything.

Finally, yeh sab jo likha hai, kabhi bhi tumhare opinion ke bina poora sach nahi ho sakta. Kyunki do logon ka sach, accha ya bura, dono logon ke beech mein hota hai. Tumhare ya mere akele ka hamare beech ka sach bas ek incomplete story reh jaegi. Jissey na main bhool paaunga, aur na tum bhaag paaogi.

— Abhi

✦